Almost bipolar…

People are always telling me I undersell myself. I know I have the knowledge and skillset to fuel my own ego to be my great self and do greater things. It’s that 底氣 word I learned this summer, I know I got it.

What I’m missing is the complement to keep myself grounded and challenged.  I’ve been very fortunate in my growing up years to always have figures like that. TW to remind me I don’t have talent or years of foundation,  Ar to tell me I’m a sore loser, OY I don’t have what it takes to be a leader, BL to be so hard on my work ethics, JY to tell me I’m not going to be a good pharmacist. Some stuff I never understood at the time, some details of wording I don’t remember exactly anymore. But these things, it has pushed me to prove someone and myself wrong, to become the me today. Words of encouragement and praise are obviously nice, but they don’t make anyone strive to be better. There’s no reminder or commitment to change, to improve. I have the personality where I need some kind of setback for my ego and stubbornness to force and commit an effort.

Since I don’t have that figure right now, I’m doing it for myself. I’m not underselling myself. I can be arrogant if I allow myself to be. I’m just being my own devil’s advocate, be my own critic, to keep motivated and striving. It’s a hard road, it’s lonely, but it will have to do for now. Too young to be stagnant, too ambitious to let go of potential, too proud to suck.

On a related topic, I would like to document why time of your life is “my theme song”(SF’s term) in my life so far. It’s not my favorite song nor a song I would endlessly loop in any occasion. It’s the song JM asked me to listen to when I was about to give up when I was hit by OY’s challenge. After that late night talk, I decided to just trust the process and stick with it. It did turn out to be the right choice and led me to this self I can be proud of today. The song inadvertently then became a symbolic reminder to openly face challenges, believe the hard times is for the best, and work hard to overcome it.

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